This is another post that was half-written in late 2010. I'll post it now, but I don't think it was finished. Seems weird to finish it now, since that Christmas as well as another has come and gone. So, instead I end it with the only photo that I managed to get of Adele that Christmas morning, because of course, I wasn't prepared enough to have charged the camera the night before. Notice the unwrapped Fisher Price farm, the undecorated Costco tree, and the box to the left, which contained stuffed stockings full of individually wrapped trinkets and treats (even for the pets!) sent from my stepmother that arrived sometime around December 20.
Really, I'm terrible. I'm seriously hoping I improve at this whole festive, holiday thing before Adele starts to notice how shitty I am at it. See, as a kid, every Christmas was different for me. There was no year-after-year routine. Sometimes I'd be at my mom's Christmas morning (preferred), sometimes at my dad's (lots of gifts, but less comfortable). Either way, sometime mid-day I had to be driven the 1.5 hr trip along HWY 401 between homes. Suffice it to say that I didn't get to hang out in my snowman pjs and play with my new toys. And, both of these home situations changed frequently enough (different partners, different step/half siblings, various sets of grandparents etc.) that, well, I didn't have much chance to develop any real nostalgia for the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I had some great Christmases as a child. And, Santa looked after me very well (a perk to having multiple families). But, well, let's just say that when my friends talk about Christmas morning routines and breakfasts and skating with the family then a huge feast with everyone sitting in their traditional chairs and dad carves the turkey while mom pours the eggnog and, hey, remember that year that mom changed her stuffing recipe and we all got super upset because, well, you just don't mess with tradition??? Well, my experiences were a bit different.
Then, as a teenager, I tended to juggle the holidays between my boyfriend's family, my own home (with mom and stepdad) and a visit with Dad and Diane. There was always a bit of tension as to where I'd spend which parts of the day (particularly since the boyfriend was used to spending the entire day in his snowman pjs at his parents' house and was rather resentful of having to leave). People would have expectations of where I would spend the precious 4 hours of Christmas dinner, and I'd inevitably end up driving for several hours in the shitty December whether, attending meal after meal, the whole time just a little bit bitter that I somehow had to manage seeing my entire splintered family within the span of about 36 hours. Why December 25? I certainly didn't give a damn that it was supposedly Jesus' birthday. Why couldn't I just split these visits into September 12, February 9 and May 17? Those days were just as meaningful to me (and likely the driving would be better). Anyway, all of these people to see usually meant that I got multiple turkey dinners, which was cool, but it was also busy and stressful.
In my first year of university, I had my wisdom teeth out on December 22. This was one of the best Christmases I remember because I had an excuse to stay put. I couldn't drive because I was on pain meds, which also forced me to sleep a lot. For once, I enjoyed a full Christmas day in one place (my boyfriend's parents' house). I couldn't actually eat the dinner (actually, I think I might have slept through it), but that mattered very little to me at the time. I just enjoyed the complete lack of pressure to show up and smile and apologize that I couldn't stay for the entire day because I had to rush off to see another group of family members.
The other thing is that I'm always behind. I really want to be prepared and have well-thought-out gifts wrapped (and, now, sent across Canada on time) and holiday decor and Christmas baking done. But, that's all so much work! And I NEVER have any free time. Nor do I really ever have any money. So, then everything is sort of last-minute and poorly planned and, well, stressful. And I feel guilty because other people do it SO WELL. They have lights and a tree and cookies and seasoned nuts and scented candles and they send Christmas cards that get there on time! Which all makes me think: Why am I so bad at this? Why are my stockings still in a pile on the floor beside my pathetic, unlight, 2-foot tall Costco tree decorated with no lights and five little ornaments that people have given us over the years? Why can't I manage to hang some lights for Adele to marvel at? Why can't I bake some stuff? Why can't I at least manage to get some gifts bought and sent on time? At what age is it no longer acceptable to hide under the excuses of "I'm busy" and "I'm young"? Probably about 22. I'm a decade late.
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