Christmas and how I suck at it

This is another post that was half-written in late 2010. I'll post it now, but I don't think it was finished. Seems weird to finish it now, since that Christmas as well as another has come and gone. So, instead I end it with the only photo that I managed to get of Adele that Christmas morning, because of course, I wasn't prepared enough to have charged the camera the night before. Notice the unwrapped Fisher Price farm, the undecorated Costco tree, and the box to the left, which contained stuffed stockings full of individually wrapped trinkets and treats (even for the pets!) sent from my stepmother that arrived sometime around December 20.

Really, I'm terrible. I'm seriously hoping I improve at this whole festive, holiday thing before Adele starts to notice how shitty I am at it. See, as a kid, every Christmas was different for me. There was no year-after-year routine. Sometimes I'd be at my mom's Christmas morning (preferred), sometimes at my dad's (lots of gifts, but less comfortable). Either way, sometime mid-day I had to be driven the 1.5 hr trip along HWY 401 between homes. Suffice it to say that I didn't get to hang out in my snowman pjs and play with my new toys. And, both of these home situations changed frequently enough (different partners, different step/half siblings, various sets of grandparents etc.) that, well, I didn't have much chance to develop any real nostalgia for the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I had some great Christmases as a child. And, Santa looked after me very well (a perk to having multiple families). But, well, let's just say that when my friends talk about Christmas morning routines and breakfasts and skating with the family then a huge feast with everyone sitting in their traditional chairs and dad carves the turkey while mom pours the eggnog and, hey, remember that year that mom changed her stuffing recipe and we all got super upset because, well, you just don't mess with tradition??? Well, my experiences were a bit different.

Then, as a teenager, I tended to juggle the holidays between my boyfriend's family, my own home (with mom and stepdad) and a visit with Dad and Diane. There was always a bit of tension as to where I'd spend which parts of the day (particularly since the boyfriend was used to spending the entire day in his snowman pjs at his parents' house and was rather resentful of having to leave). People would have expectations of where I would spend the precious 4 hours of Christmas dinner, and I'd inevitably end up driving for several hours in the shitty December whether, attending meal after meal, the whole time just a little bit bitter that I somehow had to manage seeing my entire splintered family within the span of about 36 hours. Why December 25? I certainly didn't give a damn that it was supposedly Jesus' birthday. Why couldn't I just split these visits into September 12, February 9 and May 17? Those days were just as meaningful to me (and likely the driving would be better). Anyway, all of these people to see usually meant that I got multiple turkey dinners, which was cool, but it was also busy and stressful.

In my first year of university, I had my wisdom teeth out on December 22. This was one of the best Christmases I remember because I had an excuse to stay put. I couldn't drive because I was on pain meds, which also forced me to sleep a lot. For once, I enjoyed a full Christmas day in one place (my boyfriend's parents' house). I couldn't actually eat the dinner (actually, I think I might have slept through it), but that mattered very little to me at the time. I just enjoyed the complete lack of pressure to show up and smile and apologize that I couldn't stay for the entire day because I had to rush off to see another group of family members.

The other thing is that I'm always behind. I really want to be prepared and have well-thought-out gifts wrapped (and, now, sent across Canada on time) and holiday decor and Christmas baking done. But, that's all so much work! And I NEVER have any free time. Nor do I really ever have any money. So, then everything is sort of last-minute and poorly planned and, well, stressful. And I feel guilty because other people do it SO WELL. They have lights and a tree and cookies and seasoned nuts and scented candles and they send Christmas cards that get there on time! Which all makes me think: Why am I so bad at this? Why are my stockings still in a pile on the floor beside my pathetic, unlight, 2-foot tall Costco tree decorated with no lights and five little ornaments that people have given us over the years? Why can't I manage to hang some lights for Adele to marvel at? Why can't I bake some stuff? Why can't I at least manage to get some gifts bought and sent on time? At what age is it no longer acceptable to hide under the excuses of "I'm busy" and "I'm young"? Probably about 22. I'm a decade late.

Anyway, I'm going to work on it. Because, even if I don't believe in the religion, and I'm too practical to make work for myself by putting out a whole array of decorations just to have to put them all away 2 weeks later, I still want Adele to have good memories of Christmas. I want her to know that, beyond the Jesus crap and even beyond the Santa stuff and the presents, Christmas is about hanging out with people that you love and chilling out for a bit before the new year starts. That's the kind of Christmas I think I can pull off. 

Parenting is shifting

NOTE: I wrote this post in the fall of 2010 and didn't post it. Then I stopped blogging. Well, that's not fair to say, because I hadn't really ever got it off the ground. Anyway, I've been thinking I'll try again. So, here's where my head was a year and a half ago.

It's been gradual shift, but I'm really noticing it now. For the first year or so, parenting a baby was, well, difficult, of course... a lot of work, and quite often, tedious and monotonous (and of course rewarding and extremely special). But, the work was straight forward. Feed, keep the diaper clean, keep her warm and well-rested, and give her lots of love. Stimulation was from walks and toys and some interaction with people. That was about it. All of the milestones that she reached (smiling, laughing, grasping, rolling, vocalizing, sitting, crawling - or, in her case, scootching) really came naturally. I didn't have much to do with it at all. I just carried her around with me and made sure all of her basic needs were met.

That's changed now. Now, I still do all of that, but also, I teach. Constantly. I discipline, I teach manners, I teach her to eat healthy foods (which takes a lot of patience and persistence), I teach language and colours and animals. I read her books while she listens and points out her favorite pictures, and I teach her what those pictures are of. We practice walking and talking and we learn motor skills by passing balls back and forth and putting rings on a post. I teach social skills by reminding her to say hi and wave goodbye, and to share and wait for her turn. I teach patience as I insist that she hold still while she's being changed, and that she cannot eat her breakfast with her doggy in her arms. I teach her affection, as she gives kisses and hugs to the whole family (including the pets). I teach her independence as she's encouraged to try things herself, and praised for doing so. I teach her appreciation for nature. And for music.

This phase is fun and rewarding, but it's also scary. I feel like this is the beginning of where I can really mess up. Really, now is when she's laying down ethics and values, which are fundamental in governing the type of person she's going to be, and the type of life she's going to live. Now is when I start to look back on my own childhood, and pull out aspects that I valued and am grateful for, and try to incorporate them into my parenting. Things like good nutrition, a strong work ethic, independence and an appreciation for nature, music, books, and friends. There are also things that I didn't always have, like stability and predictability. My parents were young. My dad was drinking hard and wasn't there, my mom was working hard and trying her best to make a good life for us. There are some residual effects of that, including some strengths and some vulnerabilities. These are all things I consider, as I move into this new phase of parenting.